Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With If I Were Single and They Were Real But I’m Not, Single I Mean, I Am Real, But I’m Also Happily Married and Want to Stay That Way So Maybe We Should Forget This.The problem is, she can’t justify it to her husband unless she’s tagged, so we get to do it first. Anything for a friend, that’s what I always say. (Also, I seem to have entirely lost the ability to write blog posts that contain actual paragraphs. Ideas for list-based posts, on the other hand, keep cropping up like mushrooms.) In an effort to manifest some semblance of creativity, I think I’ll break my list up into categories:
Best Character to Make Out With in the Room of Requirement
Sirius Black (young version). The old version would be too old for me. Actually, the old version is probably in his late thirties, but from the fifteen-year-old mental perspective I assume when I read the Harry Potter books, I have a serious crush on the teenage Sirius: “Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking; his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance.” He’s all Jordan Catalano-style teenage rebellion with his dark-wizard background and his easy arrogance – a bad boy and a good boy all rolled into one.
Best Character to Make Out With After Accepting a Hasty and Ill-Considered Marriage Proposal
Mr. Darcy. Need I say more? “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” (And yes. I just typed that from memory.)
Best Character to Make Out With Before He Goes Off to War
Kenneth Ford. When I came back to Rilla of Ingleside as an adult, I was shocked to discover how wholly undeveloped Ken Ford’s character is. I had vivid memories of swooning over him as a romantic fourteen-year-old, but the basis of my attraction was almost entirely the following description (which, I now realize, is embarrassingly similar to the description of Sirius):
Kenneth was a tall lad, very good-looking, with a certain careless grace of bearing that somehow made all the other boys seems stiff and awkward by contrast. He was reported to be awesomely clever, with the glamour of a faraway city and a big university hanging around him. He had also the reputation of being a bit of a lady-killer. But that probably accrued to him from his possession of a laughing, velvety voice which no girl could hear without a heartbeat, and a dangerous way of listening as if she were saying something that he had longed all his life to hear.Ah, those dangerous listeners. I realize now that fourteen-year-olds don’t want complex, realistic male characters – they want a more or less blank slate onto which they can project their own fantasies of desirable maleness.
Best Character to Make Out With if You’re a Rat
Justin from Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH. I don’t actually remember much about this character, only that I had a bit of a crush on him in grade eight. He was a tall, strapping rat with a virtuous heart – the kind of rat who will gallantly protect you against cats, farmers, and evil scientists.
Best Older Man to Make Out With
Sherlock Holmes, as represented in Laurie R. King’s The Beekeeper’s Apprentice series.
Best Detective Besides Sherlock Holmes to Make Out With
Lord Peter Wimsey. Depths of feeling concealed under a cold (or, in this case, deliberately foppish) exterior. A detached and brilliant intellect. An English accent, money and a title. What can I say? I’m a sucker for all that.
Best Vampire to Make Out With
Dracula, as represented in Fred Saberhagen’s sympathetic retellings, The Dracula Tape and The Holmes-Dracula File (in this version, Vlad Tepes engages in bloodsucking only for enjoyment and by mutual consent, without necessarily transforming his partners into vampires – perfect for a casual bit of snogging).
Best Character to Make Out With On the Eve of the Battle of Agincourt
Henry V. God for England, Harry and Saint George!
Best Character to Make Out With in Middle Earth
Faramir. In the movie, of course, Legolas, Boromir, and Aragorn get all the attention, but in the book Legolas always strikes me as a bit of a weenie, Boromir is a mean-spirited traitor (with none of the tragic depth leant to him by Sean Bean), and Aragorn is hung up on Arwen (who can compete with that?). Faramir, on the other hand, is honest, brave, and level-headed – and not so caught up in the male bonding-fest that is the Fellowship of the Ring that he can’t show a girl a good time.
Best Character to Make Out With if I Can’t Have Mr. Darcy
Captain Wentworth. Mostly just to make Louisa Musgrove mad.
I thought of Petruchio and Mr. Rochester, too – but they’re too demonstrative for me, too nakedly emotional. In the end, I think there’s only ever one thing that makes a man attractive to me: power. Not crude physical or political power, but a strength and intellect kept so tightly leashed that you just want to be there for the moment when his iron self-control begins to slip.
Here’s your tag, Veronica! (And you too, Beck – I can’t wait to read your list.)