The Many Faces of Pie

Sports Commentator: (from the kitchen table, observing the behaviour of the furnace guy) Dere’s a man downstairs. He’s fixing the house. The man camed upstairs! The man went outside. He opened the door. The door is shut again! The man comed back in the house. Do you hear that sound? It’s the man.

Weather Reporter: It’s snowy! The cars are all covered! (runs to the other side of the house to see if the back yard is experiencing the same phenomenon) There’s snow all over the grass! Everything is covered!


UN Negotiator: I want blueberries from the freezer. No, not a sandwich. Not cheese. No peanut butter! No eggs! Not lunch then blueberries – how ’bout blueberries then lunch? (a few minutes later, smugly) The blueberries are in my mouf.

Cruise-Ship Recreation Director: Come on, mama! Let’s go in a circle: fast, fast, fast ... slo-o-o-ow. Chase me, mama. Fast! Sloooow. No, mama, you don’t say “fast” – I say “fast.” Fast!


Zombie: Arggghhh. I’m going to eat you up. (advancing steadily with a husky growl) Arggghhh.

Runway Model: I don’t want dose pants (rejecting my proffered pair of dark brown leggings). I want dis one! (turquoise velour with pink floral embroidery) And dis! (an orange shirt) Put my shoes on for me (holds out black patent leather mary-janes with lace bows on each toe) – I need some help. (ecstatically) It matches!


Fishwife: (protesting my attempt at furniture rearrangement) This chair doesn’t go here! That’s daddy’s chair – give it back RIGHT NOW! No! Don’t put it there! Do! what! I! say!

Investigative Reporter: Who’s dat lady? What’s she got? She has a bag. What’s inna bag? Where’s dat lady going? What’s her name? Is she that boy’s mama? She’s not my mama – she’s that boy’s mama!


Costume Designer: You don't got clothes on, mama. You got pyjamas. Put your shirt on. And your watch. No – put on earrings first. That’s better.

I don’t want to put my shoes on.