Playdate Paralysis
The Background: Ten days ago, I took the kids for a playdate to the home of Ashley, the bookkeeper from hubby's office whose two youngest children are the same age and gender as mine. The playdate had been arranged as follows: I bumped into Ashley at the school and invited her to bring the kids to my house; she replied that she doesn't have a vehicle during the day and invited us to hers. After a successful morning, I dragged my screaming children to the car while Ashley assured them they were welcome to return the following week.
The Sequel: A few days later, I realized that I had double-booked myself: Bub had an O.T. assessment scheduled for the same morning as our return visit to Ashley's house. I dealt with the situation by making several resolutions to call Ashley, none of which I fulfilled until the last minute. I did call to cancel, but not until the morning of our scheduled playdate and without, I fear, sufficient expressions of regret. "We'll do it another time," she assured me, but did not name a day.
The Dilemma: Friday mornings are really the only time I have available to get together. Do I call and arrange a date, or do I wait for Ashley to call me?
Reasons Not to Call:
- It's her house. It's no use inviting her to our house, because she has no transportation. I could suggest a weekend get-together, but she has indicated that their weekends are really busy.
- The vagueness of her "We'll do it again sometime" might indicate (a) that she's offended at the lacksadaisical way I canceled our previous engagement; (b) that she didn't actually like me that much to begin with; and/or (c) that she invited us back the first time only in a desperate effort to assuage Bub's despair.
- I called her last time. It's her turn.
Reasons to Call:
- I'm the one who canceled our previous engagement, thus potentially conveying the (false) idea that (a) I didn't like her much; and/or (b) I agreed to the return visit only in a desperate effort to assuage Bub's despair.
- My phone number isn't in the phone book. She could get it by calling hubby's office, of course, but it would require some extra effort.
- I canceled our last playdate, which makes it my turn.
Other Relevant Information:
Ashley is, based on my observations after one playdate plus one office Christmas party, an ESFJ. She was popular in high school and describes herself as laid-back up to a point. It seems unlikely that she would write me off after a single canceled playdate, but it's also possible that I'm just not quite normal enough for her. It's also possible that Bub is not quite normal enough for her friendly, happy-go-lucky son Jake who looked on in evident astonishment as Bub melted down at the conclusion of our first playdate.
Welcome to the inside of my head. Aren't you glad you don't live here?
51 good cooperations:
I am terrible with these kinds of situations. I would be vigorously deliberating in my own head, too. My perspective is usually that it never hurts to call. Apologize again, then tell her Fridays are best for you, and leave it up to her? Good luck!
Oh, my word. You think about things. A lot.
If I wanted to get back together, I would just call her. I try not to worry about turns and crap like that.
It feels too much like high school dating, right?
I would call and say once more that you are really sorry for cancelling so last minute and offer to invite her to your house for a weekend playdate. That gives her the opportunity to say the weekend doesn't work, but why don't you come over to our house on such-and-such date? Then you aren't inviting yourself over and you're showing you are interested enough in hanging out with her that you called back. Plus you have another chance to apologize for the haphazard cancellation. Hopefully that confirms to her that you really are sorry, and it still gives her an out if she (for some reason) didn't want to get together again.
I totally think like you. :)
Do you WANT to pursue a friendship with her? If you do, I'd say it's your turn to call.
Then again... if anyone is likely to call you, it's probably an ESFJ. In my head I call them cheerleaders.
The inside of my head is awfully similar...
Shannon's comment is a great idea and Cinnimon Gurl said what I would say. Do you like her? If you do, then take the risk of being rejected and call her. If you don't, then let the relationship slide away. I know how much you hate calling people and most likely the thought of making this phonecall, even if you decide it is what you would do, may be extremely difficult for you. I suppose another option would be to just let things be and if you ever bump into her again, then try to establish a relationship at that point. Time, in this case, might be the best option as any weird feelings will hopefully have disapated.
For what it is worth here is what I would do - if your car can fit her child as well as yours, offer to pick them up for an outing of some sort. All the better if it is just the mall or Chapters or someplace where the kids can run wild and you can buy your friend a coffee. This friendship is not about you - it is about your kids and as a parent of kids older than yours, I recommend you suck it up and brush off all this paranoia and try and see if your kids (not you) want to cultivate this relationship. This is only as hard as you make it and you are making it very hard on your self, and by extension your kids. Take it out of the house for this one time and then there is no burden on either one of you. You are at the beginning of a long road here with playdates - an opportunity is presenting itself to you, to let go of your old issues for the sake of your kids. Grab it with both hands and let yourself go!
The inside of your head looks alot like mine. I could navigate that bad boy in the dark. Personally though, I say call her. Your reasons for calling are better than your reasons for not, but I TOTALLY understand your dilemma. I feel you, as they say. :)
I would call this time, mostly because you had to call the last one off. It would require suppressing the voices in my head saying, "Maybe she doesn't like me," but I would push through this time and then try to assess how she feels.
Egad, I'd be having the same internal struggle for all the same reasons. But call her. I've had to make myself do just that more than once, and I've never really been sorry. She's probably just as happy to have some relief from the day to day sameness as you are.
The inside of your head sounds an awful lot like the inside of mine. Playdate dating is hard. I would call her.
I'm a loner, so I would not call her and then feel like a heel about it & wish that I had. So my suggestion is to call her.
My kids almost always melt down after playdates, as do my childrens' friends. One friend's boy melts down so consistently that we have a routine by now: she carries him screaming out the door while I follow with his shoes, socks, coat and hat... So I say, don't worry about that aspect at all.
i would say call and apologize again, offer up a few dates that work for you, and maybe offer to bring something like a special snack for activity for the kids.
maybe you could also offer to pick them up and go to a park?
Good grief. CALL HER.
Say "I felt really bad about cancelling the other day - I was really looking forward to getting together. How is Friday for you?"
Now go do it.
I may not live in your head, but my head lives in the same neighborhood as your head.
I would call. Actually, more likely, I would decide I should call, but then put it off until it was too late to do anything about it, and then feel bad about not having called.
But I would be in favor of you calling.
Call her. And follow Shannon's advice.
This stuff is worse than real dating, isn't it?
If you like her, I say call.
And I agree with the others above- if your car is big enough offer to take them out. Adventure playdates are always such fun and by getting her out of the house you will instantly be her new BFF.
if you want to get together, i would call. if the kids got along, i would definitely call.
I would dodge the thing by calling at a time she is really unlikely to be home, like when she has to drop her kids at school, and leaving a message apologizing for cancelling, saying you'd love to do it some other time, and including your phone number. then it's in her court.
That is exactly the same way that I think about things. Sounds normal to me.
It wouldn't hurt to call, just so she knows that you are open to getting together again.
SB in Michigan
If you liked her, and your kids liked playing with her kids, call her. Tell her you're still feeling embarrassed about the memory lapse (re the doctor's appointment), but you'll definitely remember to bring the special treats (something festive, like Halloween cookies?) to the next playdate.
I would just call, too. Even if she doesn't leap and invite you to a playdate, you can use the chance to appease any feelings you might have about whether or not she's unhappy, stewing, etc.
When my eldest first started going on playdates with neighbor kids, I offered up to the parents the following: until my child is 10, I will not be embarrassed to ask if he could go to their house nor should his friends' parents be embarrassed to ask if their kid could come to our house. You're doing this for the kids. She can always say no. Call.
Call if you like her and want to spend time with her. Your kids will have friends regardless of you getting together. So will you.
What the first Anonymous poster said works best for me.
I delay calls, feel terrible, get uptight and don't do the call. Then I feel even more terrible and around we go again.
Do the kids mention the playdate? Do you think they would want to do it again?
She may be going around in her head too, worried about similar things.
Suck it up and call her. Easy to say -- I might never do it.
If you think she's lonely and needs a friend, call her.
If it will mean you can start casually dumping your kids off at her house and shopping at Ross, call her.
If you think it will help your husband get a raise/better job, call her.
Otherwise enjoy your solitude. Sometimes conversation is so overrated.
Call her. One year from now it won't have mattered, hell one week from now it won't.
Never pass up the opportunity to have a friend.
I am old and have been there.
Call her!
(Your) Anon
Call.
DOn't think, just call.
What's the worst that can happen really?
She says no that doesn't work for us?
Anything else seems a little far fetched.
You never know until you try.
If you want to get together again then call her. Apologize again for cancelling at the last minute and then chat and maybe wait to see if she invites you again. Just mention what a great time you all had the last time.
If you want to hang out with her, then call. If not, then don't. Life is too short, no?
Of course, that being said, it's the exact opposite of what I would actually do. I would worry and dither and stress that I was offending her somehow.
I'd call her. You did cancel at the last minute. If you have another play date and it doesn't feel right, then you will know.
If you want to pursue a friendship, call.
Apologize again for canceling, and tell her you'd like to get together again on a Friday.
UPDATE: Made the call. Got an extremely friendly and effusive response. Am an idiot.
Call!
Am glad you called and really glad she was pleased!
Bea - the old saying "you die a million deaths".....even if she was mad, even if she was going to be less than enthusiastic....does it matter? Does it matter for your kids? You are not an idiot....only human. But next time just call. Don't deliberate, equivocate or procrastinate...live your life and do it for your kids!!!
You are SO funny! I'm glad you called. I used to over-think these things, too, but then Josh pointed out (kindly and repeatedly) that most people aren't quite so neurotic as I am and generally, they will be thrilled to hear from me.
The inside of your head appears frighteningly similar to the inside of my own head. Weird. I'm of no help, surely. Sorry.
Also? The end of the playdate - the part about Bub having a meltdown? Also eerily familiar. Only it's my Little Man. Ick.
I hope Ashley calls you so that you don't have to agonize over this much longer!
Oh dear. I think I might be an ESFJ.
If you want to call her, call her. Life is too short not to call someone for fear of rejection!
Jennifer - I kind of made it sound like a bad thing, didn't I? But really, ESFJs have the strongest social skills of any of the personality types, and that is very evident in Ashley. (And INFJs are the most neurotic of personality types, and that is very evident in me.)
I am so glad you did call and glad she was happy to hear from you. It is hard to find mommy friends irl - which is how we end up all neurotic and freaking out. We've been schooled...but then there are really nice surprises!
Funny, I just stopped by the home of an acquaintance the other day. She's the only other mom I know that lives in the same town as me and our girls were born on the same night. We talked vaguely about getting together again but I have no idea whose court the ball is in. Should I call and invite myself over (she's got a brand spankin' new baby and had a c-section so she's not going out much) or should I wait for her to call? Should I make an excuse just to drop by (we walk by their house every morning)?
And if I call, when? How long do I wait?
See, this is the stuff that drives me crazy. It's why friendship is often worse than dating. So my new plan (which you may adopt, if you are so inclined, and really, you should be) is simply to do what I want to do, regardless of whether I am breaking the "rules" or not. So if you want to arrange another playdate with Ashley, just call her and do it. The worst thing that could happen is that she'd reject you, right? You'd be okay with that, I think. Wouldn't you?
I'd be comfortable living in that head. Because it seems an awful lot like MY head. No place like home.
Suck it up. CALL.
(although if it were me, I'd be all wuss and try to do it when I knew I would be leaving a message. HATE PHONES.)
I think canceling a playdate is an accepted - hell, excepted - part of being a parent to small children.
Yeah, maybe she baked some special cookies and had crafts planned and her kids were in a great mood that morning, but I'm sure that ten minutes after she hung up the phone, she would be in total understanding.
I say call and ask if she's up for another.
oh! you did! good stuff. See? maybe i'm an esfj too. must find out.
Wow. I'm late to this party, but what did you decide to do? If you really want to get together again than you should call her. If you don't, and you are just worried about what she thinks than leave the thing alone.
If I were her, I would feel like the ball was in your court to do so. Call her, apologize again, and try to reschedule.
Ha. Ha. Just read what Beck said. It's what I was thinking. :)
I live in a very similar world. Only I would have added one more bulleted item to your list of reasons NOT to call:
- Hate using the phone for any reason except emergency (or to ask husband to stop off and pick up milk on his way home from work)
My vote: chicken out.
What is EFSJ ??????
It's one of the Myers-Briggs personality types: Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging.
Bea, thanks for posting this, and your update.
It makes those of us who live in a head remarkably like yours feel SO much better - and encouraged to act courageously as you did. You are clearly not an idiot.
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